In our current society in Singapore – pre-marital sex is no longer rare. It might not have even been rare during my parent’s generation. It was also a norm for our grandparent’s generation to marry early, and thus – also have sex at an early age.
It does not matter our race, religion, or background, people still engage in pre-marital sex. Instead of pushing for the concept of “keeping it till marriage”, or “pre-marital sex is bad”, teaching youths from a young age on the various types of sexual activities, sexual orientation, what sex encompasses, how to use proper protection, respecting the consent of their partner, ethical porn, the difference between what is shown in porn and real sex – body image of women on screen, accuracy of sexual responses etc.
The reason why many of us believe sex should come after marriage is because of traditions, religious teachings, customary beliefs, and norms we have been inculcated with since young.
There is nothing immoral about having sex before getting married. It is a personal choice 2 individuals undertake after coming to a mutual decision and consent.
Virginity as a patriarchal term
Gender inequality – girls are viewed with judgemental eyes even if they only have sex once. Why? Because they are plainly perceived as being “no longer virgins”. Guys on the other hand – are not frowned upon, but praised like bulls when they bang as much girls as they can. As a girl, we should be viewed no less than a boy when we have sex before marriage. As a guy, our ego should not be bruised or heightened over whether or not we have sex before marriage.
Both sides of the coin when it comes to views on pre-marital sex
If we hold a religious view that pre-martial sex is wrong, we are entitled to that belief, but we should not impose our moral standards on others. Likewise, if we disagree with the religious views of others on pre-marital sex, neither should we impose our moral views on others.
Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and lifestyles, as long as the act is above the legal age of consent, there is mutual consent, and it does not harm others.
Hence when it comes to pre-marital sex, it is wrong to publicly judge, make fun, shame or condemn a man or woman for “choosing to wait until marriage”, or for not “waiting until marriage”. Neither choice are wrong, right, worse, or better than the other.
If a person regrets it, they should not be made to feel even more guilty by others about their act. Likewise, a person should not be pressured by others into having pre-marital sex if they do not see the need to, are not ready, do not feel comfortable, or fear that they might regret it.
It’s time to get a life…
Virginity (*an over-rated patriarchal term) and morality has been unnecessarily enmeshed, overly scrutinised, and unfairly factored – in determining the virtue of a person. Being a virgin, or not being a virgin does not make one less or more prudent / virtuous / pure / slutty / superior / inferior than the other person.
In other words, pre-marital sex is a ‘personal choice’ undertaken. The morality aspect of it need not be concluded by others, but by yourself 😉
There is much more to life, and much more to the individual, than scrutinising and determining the overall morals, attractiveness, status, worth, or capability of a person solely based on whether a penis has been inserted into a vagina (and vice versa).
When does pre-marital sex become a question mark?
However, it is a different story when it is done in a manner that is irresponsible, pressured, not mutual, or uninformed:
1) Not using protection when we’re not ready to be a parent.
2) Infecting our sexual partner without their knowledge, or not doing a health check up even though we suspect we have STDs, and it might affect the health of our future sexual partners.
3) Not doing it out of 100% autonomy and freewill, and mutual consent e.g. drunk.
4) Do not reflect, and is not prepared for possible consequences of pre-marital sex e.g. getting pregnant, being infected with STDs.
5) Individual is not matured holistically – emotionally, physically, socially, spiritually, and mentally to engage in sex.
- We all have our own relationship, and sexual – preferences and ideals.
- Pre-marital sex is a personal choice (*and viewed as a private affair for some), and should / need not be socially or publicly scrutinised, sensationalised, or shamed.
- Pre-marital sex should be done in a responsible manner with informed, mutual consent.
- Both genders should not be viewed, or treated any differently whether they have had sex, or not had sex before marriage.
“I think I’ll lose my virginity to him. Maybe in five minutes, maybe tonight, maybe sixth months from now, or maybe on our wedding night. But you know what? It’s nobody’s God damned business.”
– Olive Penderghast (Film – Easy A)
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